Friday, August 8, 2014

Jumping in

I can't believe it's been almost a month since have been back at work. I guess lack of sleep will blend weeks and weeks together to form one big blob of I don't know what.
         I don't think I was fully prepared for how hard it would be to go back to work full time. And if I could press rewind and start all over I wouldn't do it cold turkey. I would start slowly, couple days here and there. Get my feet wet until I was fully submerged and it no longer felt like it was shocking my system. But that's just me.
          Week two was the hardest. Most people thinks it's probably week one, but no, it's definitely week two that really takes a toll. See, during week one your still high on showing off those baby pics and wearing clothes without spit up or poop for entire days. Sure, leaving your little bug is painfully hard. It doesn't feel natural at all, but week two is when it gets really really hard. I guess because it's final. You just think to yourself, wait, this isn't going to change, every day I will leave him and be here in this office - Every. Single. Day! Its daunting, and seriously hard to swallow.
                      I know it's easy to say "then quit and stay at home" well for most, the number one reason why that's out of the question is it's just financially not feasible, but for others, being home all day doesn't feel quite right either. It's like, when I'm home all day I feel lost and alone, and all sorts of weird. I also felt like I couldn't be the best mom I could be without the other part of me, the work me. But being at the office also feels all sorts of weird. Like something is missing. There's a giant hole right smack in the middle of my chest every day all day. I guess most women probably battle this internal fight. Your nurturing maternal side vs your strong independent woman side. It plain old sucks.
           Then there is the pumping and breast feeding juggling act you have to throw in the mix! Nature naturally fills you up with these happy little endorphins when you breast feed so that you'll grow to like it and look forward to it. It's pleasurable in a way that's really hard to put into words (after you get past that god awful painful first month). To watch my son be nurtured directly through me is just an incredible feeling that I wish upon every women. Its empowering, reassuring, and just feels so right.  But then reality and modern life has to go and screw it all up by making women go back to work 12 weeks later! So we buy these shmancy gadgets called "breast pumps" to come and replace your little babe and suck the milk out of you a few times a day. It's awful. It's painful and it's stressful squeezing in the time, trying not to rush, making sure you fully empty your breasts, and the big one; hoping against all hope that you are providing enough to feed your babe. I totally get why women give up. It's hard! I won't even get into my bouts of mastitis, milk blisters, and oversupply cause the list goes on.
         Regardless of how sleepy I am, how sore I am, how stressed I am, I will continue to give it my all for as long as my body will allow me, because I know one day when he's big enough to ask me about his early days I will sigh and dream of this wild and exciting but very short time in his life. The good, the bad, the ugly. I'm embracing all of it because for me this is mommy hood, a new exciting adventure and I wouldn't wish for it any other way. I hope all you new Mammas, and Mammas to be feel as incredible as I do in your new roles. No matter if it's full time mommy, or working mommy, whatever mommy you choose to be is the one that will fit perfectly.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Emerson's Song

Before I update you on my 2 weeks back at work and the breast feeding and pumping details that now consume my life, here's a quick video to put a smile on your faces :).  It gets really good about 2 min in!
Emerson's Song from Monique on Vimeo.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Working Girl

12 weeks flew right on by and I am officially entering in the grown up work world again tomorrow! I am an emotional mess about it. On one hand I am so excited to be back in the city doing what I love, having grown up conversations without being covered in spit up or baby poop. But on the other hand the thought of leaving my baby in the care of someone else and missing those milestones and not getting those smiles and giggles all day is killing me. One thing is for sure, I will not feel guilty about wanting to have my own life and career. It's so bitter sweet but If I don't do this, and at least give it a really good shot, I know that in 5 years when Emerson is in school I will regret that missed opportunity, and that is something I don't think would be fair to me or him.
      I am wondering how this juggling act will be. Right now since I am breast feeding I haven't put Em on any schedule. I just feed when he's hungry, let him nap when he's sleepy, and go for walks when he's awake. I haven't let my husband do any night feedings, mainly because I've become so hooked on the closeness and bonding I get while nursing him in the middle of the night. But now real life starts. Up at 5 am, out the door by 6:45, back home by 6, bath time by 8....how we are all going to adjust to this new schedule, only time will tell.  John has been nothing but supportive and I know he's going to be so helpful in the mornings and evenings. We're both going to be a mess the first week, but It will get easier. If it didn't every other working mom out there wouldn't do it! Wish me luck on my first day, any and all advice is more than welcomed!

Monday, June 9, 2014

Our Big (little) Arrival!

             6 weeks ago we welcomed our first baby into the world. Life has completely changed forever. Little Emerson Cole Bellavia surprised us a week early. I honestly did not believe I was even in labor. I really thought I would go late! But to my surprise my water broke at work, only ever so slightly. I work in the Empire State building, so I left for the hospital as per Dr.'s orders. Even though I was convinced I was still not in labor. No contractions no nothing! John left work and met me at Penn station. Well, on the walk there my water broke for real! Waterfalls in the middle of Manhattan. So I waddled faster to Penn, more waterfalls. This continued till I finally made it there and sat on a bench till our train came. Still no contractions. When we got to the hospital I was only in labor 8 hrs, and then he arrived! It was surreal and not at all how I expected it to go. I had it pretty easy for my first time, and I am so grateful for that. Emerson has flipped our lives on it's head. Some days are stressful, some are easy breezy, but we are taking each one as they come. We are completely obsessed. I can honestly say I have never experienced a love like this one. This goes way beyond unconditional. It's painful how much I love this child. Life could not be any better!


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thankful


                 Well it's been some time again. But I'd like to try and get back in a groove on here. Fall is coming to a close and summer is pretty much a blurry memory. A lot of exciting things are happening over in Bellavia world.
             We spent the summer looking for houses and deciding where we'd like to settle down. In August we found out we have a little one on the way! It's pretty much been a roller coaster ride since then. So many ups and downs with this house and the painstakingly long process the banks put you through now. But it will all be worth it when we have a place to call home!
             The baby ride has also been um....fun! Yes I'm SO over the moon excited, but the morning sickness was the worst! I'm the type of person that just never gets sick or throws up and that was a feeling I was not expecting. Now I seem to be coming out of that cloud. My energy is coming back and I'm almost back to normal with my eating (accept for marinara sauce, that is the devil!).
       I have SO SO much to be thankful for this thanksgiving, as I'm sure everyone does. Blame it on the hormones but when I think about all the good in my life, my family and friends, this little miracle growing inside of me, my wonderfully supportive and giving husband, it just brings tears to my eyes and once that starts, I cant stop it! So I will end here with a very happy thanksgiving to all you lovely readers (if you are in fact still visiting my little world here). I'll be back again soon! I always always come back!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

New Items on Society 6!!

Hello Lovers! I'm going to completely ignore the big elephant in the room (aka: my blogging absence) and just let you in on a new design of mine that's available on society 6. She's a new magazine Cover Girl illustrated by me. I just lover her so, and can already see some other "cover girls" in the future along with note cards, so stay tuned!! xoxo